It takes 22 days to form a new habit. Breaking one can happen almost immediately when procrastination is involved… So with the approaching exams at the end of the semester scaring me just a little more each week, I soon fell into the habit of not blogging. I mean, the last time I posted anything was the end of October, which my father has kindly been reminding me every so often. In a perfect world, I would have used my time productively and studied – for each minute not invested in my blog, I could’ve at least spent the time revising and summarising. But as is normal in the life of a student, studying is not always a pleasure and I soon let one of my vices control my “spare time”, leading me to binge-watch all the TV I could find; I watched all of 30 Rock, Real Housewives, About a Boy and Devious Maids just to name a few, while also keeping up with all my usual favourites. To say I might have a problem is an understatement – I suffer from couch-potato-syndrome so to say… from extreme TV-Junkieness.. from no longer being the Grade-A Nerd I used to be in high school. Long gone were the days I could study for 12 hours straight because I only had two days before my biology exam – something even my best and closest friends just couldn’t comprehend. To them I was still the crazy studier, not the procrastinator I had secretly become. And this fear of no longer being “who I used to be” made me panic. I felt incapable, undeserving, and stupid. My concentration was depleted, my willpower gave in, my nights became restless, but my days were spent in bed due to lack of sleep. A few weeks before my exams I even lost my appetite. My panic attacks increased to a point where I would cry myself to sleep at night – I was so disappointed in myself, in my actions, in the way I conducted myself during the semester…I was nowhere as prepared as I wanted myself to be – I had not succeeded in reaching the goals I had set, and yes, while I might have expected a bit too much from myself, I know what I am capable of – and what I delivered this semester was just unacceptable to me.
Going in to the semester I had set myself one ultimate goal, and that was to see it through. After spending some time after graduation soul-searching I knew that I had finally found the suitable field of study, and completing the semester had to be manageable, as for the first time I was actually enjoying what I was doing….
…and long sob story short, I am proud to say that I did exactly that: Despite feeling unprepared I took all 4 of my exams. This is a big step for me, as in the last 2 years shying away from failure became my new normal, rather than actually seeing anything through. Taking the exams helped me reclaim the confidence I used to have… and it all paid off in the end!
Ladies and gentlemen of the blog world, I am officially a student. I passed all of my exams – albeit not as well as I wanted to but I was honestly prepared for the worst. I was truly ecstatic when I saw that I had passed all exams of my major, and absolutely flabbergasted when I passed my business minor, because I was more than ready to choose a different course…
My friends and family tried hard to keep me calm during this whole process, but I took their words of wisdom for granted and continued to spiral into one panic attack after another. Passing my exams has taught me that I am capable, I can be a student, I can excel, and I can be whoever I want to be. And I believe a massive thank you for everyone’s patience is in order! I really was a mess these last few months, but hope to have regained my strength (for now at least). I also had the cutest study buddy giving me plenty of cuddles while I was cut off from all other contact.
I just need to kick the habit of TV-show watching in the butt. But I’ve got one more week before the next semester starts to do that 😉
Also I owe you guys sooooo many blogposts. Loads has happened; my birthday, Christmas, New Years.. a trip to California… and I do plan on keeping you all up to date more frequently now 🙂
With attitude and nail polish,