I need to rant.
So grab a snack – you’re in for a long, non-Hemingway-like slew of sentences a.k.a. my thoughts that I have kept hidden away for far too long and are now creeping up on me to haunt me.
Ugh. I need a glass of champagne…
Or some of your time and patience to listen to my endless thought-process…
So let me give you a bit of a look-see into what’s going on in my brain right now:
I’ve mentioned before that I hope to start with CrossFit soon. Nothing bad with that right?
Wrong – because it is just another thing on my list of things I hope and wish to try.. you see CrossFit has become one of a million things “I want to take up when I get back to Zürich”
Keyword: “back to Zürich”
Everything I have been wanting to start, finish, take-up, cook, test or put-away has been postponed to when I am “back in Zürich” (I haven’t even changed the light bulb in my room yet… and it stopped working long before I left 4 months ago).
In 2 very short months I will be home and will be starting at UniZH two weeks post-return.
*Ahhhhhh Freak Out*
I realized this yesterday, and my best friend thus witnessed a mental breakdown that went as follows:
Best friend: “What are you doing September and do you want to come to France with me?”
Me: ” I don’t really have plans but need to get my life sorted out, i.e. finally lose that last bit of weight because I am incapable of eating the way that makes me feel my best in Munich, get my room (read: life) organized before school begins and sort out anything that needs to be sorted out before said school starts…
Best friend: “You are not the only one with stress…”
[The actual conversation was a little bit more lengthy but I have finally learned to summarize the important facts… let’s hope I can apply that to the endless books I will be needing to read and summarize for Media- and Communications]
Yup I know I am not the only.. but I deal with stress terribly and it makes me go cray cray. Hence this blog post where I just
want need to rant…
Now on top of this revelation of actually having fairly little time to spare (again: T minus 2 months is NOT A LOT OF TIME), my current program of work, gym, food, occasional outings with friends during the week, and basically not sleeping at the weekends will need to change back to my Zürich lifestyle. And Zürich lifestyle means dance 3-4 times a week, continuing my gym membership, starting CrossFit, finding some time to relax (read: force myself to relax at yoga because I know no other way), catching up with my friends and family, going to university, studying, travelling, eating my favourite foods, occasionally going out… the list goes on and on and on…
I am stressing out over things that I should be looking forward to. Things that are actually amazing and are meant to be enjoyed… but I’ve been seeing this whole “back to Zürich” thing as such a big moment – the fixer of all my current problems and the place where my life will finally be under control (will it ever be, honestly, seriously?!) – that I am petrified of returning to “normal” life. Munich has been so care free, despite slight bumps along the way that returning to reality is freaking me out..
I’ve listed up a few woes that used to be part of my daily life or that used to motivate me through other stressful moments to highlight my desperation:
- Dance is my passion – something I have always loved – this shouldn’t stress me out!
- University is important – after two attempts, this third time has to be it; no excuses
- My over-all health should be first all day err day anyways – especially because a healthy life means a happy life
- My social life has always been too vital a part of my life and I stress with or without it…especially with questions like: “Will my friends still be there when I prioritize “me” and when will I ever find a boyfriend with all these other things I am filling my day with” to list the two top ones. These are then generally followed by “where is my life going anyways? Will I ever know what my calling is? Why don’t I just become a fitness instructor and combine my hobby with a career?” ..and so it continues…
- Trying out new things should be a fun adventure, but I just don’t know where to fit it in…or if I want to give up anything for it…I am tied to my day to day activities and stress over change. I really hate change..
I sometimes wish there were more hours in a day, but then I would just fill those extra hours with more things. There are so many things I hope to do, see, achieve.. and suddenly I realized that I have been living in the future. I do this far too frequently… things that I always hoped to do or am meant to finish are stowed away in my mind for “better days”. I also worry too much about what could come (again fear of change) rather than concentrate on the here and now..
I forget to just live in the moment sometimes. A little bit of planning is good – actually it is important for my overall mental health as I am a walking diary full of important memos, to-do lists and agendas. But I have obsessively been planning the “back in Zürich” part, when I actually could’ve knocked most of those things off my list a really long time ago (read: changed my light bulb perhaps?)… if I hadn’t spent all my weekends in Zürich going out until the roosters crow.. Yup – priorities..
Last weekend I promised myself something: I am going to stop fretting over what will come and live more in the now. I also want to do things I generally might not do. The idea came to me when my Oma was recounting the story of the time I would jump carelessly into a pool of freezing water and just not care.
That was the first and last time I did anything like that. I was twelve. Now I barely even enter water out of fear of exposing my “not-yet-perfect” body. Yeah, talk about confidence.
I thrive with structure. I know that. Nevertheless a little bit of spontaneity is important to live life to the fullest. Last week I went to two press meetings instead of to my favourite BodyPump class. Despite needing to be “bikini ready” for going to the beach next week. I got to see the launch of a new foundation and chose clubbing with some pretty awesome girls on a weeknight over sleep and mega-healthy meals.
I also got to drink a fresh coconut for the first time.
Ok, it might not be as wild as jumping off a cliff with a mere bungy-string attached (which I don’t think I could ever do), but I got out of my structure and lived a little. And it was worth it!
So yes, I might want to do CrossFit, become Paleo, finish my bachelor and maybe start my master in another country, write a book, rule the world and end all hunger, preferably before catching some Oms at yoga and jiggling around to music with jazz-hands, I mean who doesn’t? … but maybe I should start small and try not to overwhelm myself – because as mentioned before, I don’t do stress well. How do I plan to overcome my tendency to try to plan my life, you might ask? hmm, well if I knew the answer I wouldn’t be ranting… but I think becoming a bit more spontaneous is key. Trying to live more in the here, now and near future, making smaller goals and adding on sports, outings, fun activities etc as enjoyable extras instead of making them a priority should be the way to go forward.
So maybe I shouldn’t follow a rigid schedule and maybe I should cancel one or two memberships to enable trying new things so that I don’t feel too committed. My studies should be my number one priority right now anyways (note to self!!), so I think I’ll try and see what I can fit in around that..
No one can plan the future, and I don’t really understand why I felt I could and should..
…but I am glad I was able to catch my melt-down before it got too bad last night and I hope to become a bit more relaxed… because, well as corny as this may seem, you only life once [#yolo] and I “plan” to enjoy every second of it 🙂 Besides, I am a true believer in dreams coming true… I just need to stay calm and stop fretting that I may be wrong..
Thanks for listening.. Feel free to comment (I encourage you to) and let me know your perspective on this subject 🙂
With attitude and nail polish, Anoushé xoxo